When I tell people I want to remain in the medical field but don’t want to be a doctor or pharmacist due to the extensive schooling, they often suggest being a paramedic/EMT. Well first off I make more than most EMTs, I’d rather not have a pay cut. Secondly it seems that I am often the one who needs the emergency medical support, thus it would be hard for me to provide it. Lol Here is a list of all my really awesome attempts to land myself in the hospital or at the “pearly gates.” I find the most recent to be the best.

-Ran into a wall (or possibly a table) as an infant and sliced open my eyebrow. I ended up with stitches. Yup, I have a snazzy little scar and some of the blue stitches in my baby book to prove it.

-Falling at the B&G club trying to do gymnastics I was clearly not capable of. Yeah I actually ended up riding in the ambulance for this one. I don’t remember a whole lot about this day. Other than the directors asking me what my mom’s new phone number was, the painful head brace that was digging into my skull, the EMTs telling me that if I moved I’d be paralyzed, and the blazingly bright light in the ambulance directly above my head. Or maybe that bright light was the one they refer to people seeing on their way out? HA! Doubt it.

-Heat stroke at girl’s camp. Yeah long hike, no water, plus hot sun equals a very very sick Taysia. Yeah it was pretty bad and I remember being violently sick from it.

-Then there was the time we were carving pumpkins and I stabbed the knife right through my thumb. It was awful. I probably should’ve gone to the hospital, but I don’t like doctors so nope, I toughed it out. I almost passed out when I changed the bandage on it because of the insane amount of pain.

-Oh and I caught my future in-law’s basement on fire. Dan and I were dating at the time and I asked him where he wanted me to fireproof my boots at. He said to do it in their laundry room since it has a cement floor. I completed one pair of boots and moved onto the second. About half way through I heard something click on, looked up and saw the pilot light of the water heater come on. Of course waterproofing is in a spray can and is flammable. I ended up completely surrounded by fire with my socks and pajama bottoms on fire. I’m also the kind of person who acts like a deer-in-the-headlights when something happens. I ran out into the hall and stood there going “fire, fire, fire” through my sobs.

-Now for the awesome event of last week. I was sitting on a call at work staring at the vent part of my computer tower. Now the inner metal track is covered with lint, and it drives me bonkers. I tried to get it off with my fingers and scissors to no avail. So I busted out a paperclip, straightened it out and stuck it in the vent. Now in my mind I was only going to stick it in far enough to clean off the metal track, not any further. Well apparently my arm didn’t understand or I slipped or something, but the paperclip went all the way in. Suddenly a giant zap flies up my arm and into my chest. I screamed. My arm was painfully numb for at least an hour after that. My co-worker’s husband builds computers and his response to the story was “she is lucky, she could’ve died.” Awesome! Go me! I really wasn’t trying to kill myself, I promise!

Needless to say I am a danger to myself, society, and those around me. Thus it would be a horrid idea for me to try and treat those in traumatic, emergency situations. In fact I might need to hire a personal entourage of medical personal to follow me at all times just because I’m such a hazard. Ha! I bet you all want to hang out with me now, huh?